CINCINNATI — Everyone has a best feature. Maybe it’s your eyes, maybe it’s your smile, maybe it’s the fact that your ears don’t stick out. Melissa Vandermeer’s best feature has always been her backside. For as long as she can remember, its plump roundness has ensured a steady stream of admirers.
She proudly showed our reporter several old photographs, and he can confirm it really is/was something to behold.
“I used to love admiring it in the mirror. Man could it fill out a pair of jeans.”
But ever since disease led to quadriplegia and she began using a wheelchair, Vandermeer has had no clue if she still got that ass or not. She simply has no way of checking it out in the mirror, because she’s sitting on it all day.
“Not knowing is killing me. How do I know if my best feature has shifted to something else? All my life I’ve been so focused on showing off my butt that I don’t even know what my new best feature would be. It’s tragic.”
Yes, it’s impossible to know what her behind looks like with her sitting on it. No amount of head craning can help, but it does seem to fill out the sides of her chair. Our reporter suggested that she may still have it, which caused Vandermeer to shout “boo-yeah!”
“You look strong. Can you lift me up and ask that woman over there to judge my ass?” she asked him.
Despite his burning need to know, our reporter declined her request, after which she invited him back to her house to take her to bed and check it out for himself. Our reporter would neither confirm nor deny what happened next.