NEW YORK CITY – For a limited time only, free plastic straws will be provided to ableists to suck my ass! This exciting opportunity will be the perfect time to learn first-hand about the pros and cons of various commercially available straws.
The plastic straws will be provided to anyone who cries “Unnecessary!,” “Wasteful!,” or “Just use a metal/paper/glass/silicone one!” Following this interactive activity, a presentation will be given on how plastic is often the only safe option for certain people. Ableists with strong opinions are also encouraged to bring their own “better” option to try to effectively suck my ass – but I urge them to proceed with caution as metal may cause burns while in contact with something hot (my ass).
Should they still insist that plastic straws are never appropriate, disabled sea turtles from the local aquarium will be available for cloacal consumption – and trust us, they don’t appreciate paper straws either. While they acknowledge the damages of single-use plastics, and encourage alternative options for those who can use them, those slimy little guys are a little more concerned about the other 99.8% of plastic waste that is not straws.
When asked for comment, Tommy the turtle told us, “Look, I’ve seen the humans arguing about straws, and sure they float around our sea sometimes, but have you been down here? It’s nothing but dirty Dasani bottles and whatever crap Bezos bought too much of. It’s almost like the straws are just a distraction.”