This Ken’s Job Is Just ‘Wheelchair’

Barbieland — Following the implementation of a “revolutionary vocational rehab grant” from state agency MattelAbilities™, a disabled Ken has finally found a fulfilling position after years of employment discrimination. While the other Kens hold the noble role of “just beach,” this Ken’s job is … “just wheelchair.”  

Known affectionately as Crip Ken among his friends, this wheeled hero is thrilled to have found a job that truly highlights his natural talents. Muses Ken, “Honestly, ‘doing beach’ wasn’t exactly an accessible opportunity, and sand tires weren’t covered by my insurance anyway. Besides, it’s important to focus on a role that emphasizes my skills. ‘Wheelchair’ is such a perfect fit for me that it’s kind of freaky, actually … and I couldn’t have found my dream job without MattelAbilities™.”

Becky Crockabull, longtime vocational counselor at MattelAbilities™, agrees, stressing that thorough evaluation and specialized expertise is essential in finding a job for such clients, whom she calls “very special individuals with big dreams.” Says Crockabull, “They just need us to help them discover their superpowers, these folks.” She adds that after this disabled Ken took an individualized quiz on the state’s patented software, it became clear that “‘wheelchair’ really is his destiny.”

Crockabull continues, “Crip Ken, who in my eyes is more of a Handicapable Ken, represents everything our agency is all about: finding a position that closely matches societal stereotypes about the client while spending the least money possible. We could have explored accommodations for beach, but, frankly, funding is tight. For our diff-abled Kens and Barbies, that role is undeniably wheelchair.” Stereotypical Barbie concurs, noting that Crip Ken is “just, like, really good at that, even though, you know, I hardly even see the wheelchair after that inclusivity training.” Shaking her head gravely, she mutters, “I just hope he doesn’t plan to do wheelchair at the Dream House, because I am NOT building an elevator. Share-A-Smile Becky already tried that shit in 1997, and it got her discontinued.” 

MattelAbilities™ CEO Shane Blohardin calls Crip Ken’s vocational epiphany “heartwarming and courageous.” He remains confident that rewarding employment opportunities will only expand for Barbieland’s disabled residents, whose numbers grow by the thousands each year as they lose limbs and suffer injuries due to rowdy play with small children.

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