Wichita, Kan. — Mariah Lenny had had enough of her low-FODMAP and GERD diet. She wanted to taste life again. So on a random Tuesday at her neighborhood Jalisco restaurant, Lenny simply said, “Fuck it. Pass the salsa.”
Explaining what led to her breakdown, she said, “Because of all of my disabilities, the two foods I can safely eat are peeled cucumbers and hard boiled eggs, so I constantly smell like a 1980s community center.”
Lenny ordered a pitcher of spicy margaritas and continued: “There are restaurants where my ass has caused a failed health inspection. Reasonably, some restaurants have my picture on a wall of shame in the back. This restaurant will become one of those places. Can you pass the fried ice cream?”
It was unclear how Lenny was successfully eating, talking and breathing at the same time, but she continued her overshare. “Cheetos are a crime against nature. I get that. But how can my body reject tomatoes, onions and lime, foods that grow in organic gardens? God basically gave up between my esophagus and large intestine — like, ‘Why did I make this so complicated?!'”
Lenny suddenly paused and sat up at full attention as a bolt of lightning struck her colon. “I gotta cut this short —” She vanished to the restroom, put another notch in her lipstick case and eventually crawled out the tiny window to flee the crime scene.
Maybe one day disabled people's quality of life will matter. For now, this reporter is not ending up on a wall of shame by association. I'm not with her!