Aging Santa Replaces Slow, Clunky Reindeer with New Turbo-Powered Magic Wheelchair

NORTH POLE — At 1,750 years old, Santa isn’t moving as fast as when he was a centenarian. But kids, don’t fret! To help with his arthritis and mobility issues, his elves gifted him a custom-built turbo-powered magic wheelchair.

“Weeeeeeeeeee!” squealed Santa as he took it out for a test drive. “I love this new mobility tool. I can deliver presents for thousands of years more!”

While this was good news for kids, it was not such good news for the sleigh herd. They were out of a job and weren’t exactly spring reindeer anymore.

“I’m not worried as I’m still living off royalties from a song they wrote about me,” said Rudolph, herd guide lead. “I’m also pursuing being an anti-bullying advocate. Other reindeer saw my red nose as a disability and used to call me names, but I embraced being different. Look who’s laughing now! I want to help others overcome adversity. I am keeping my hooves crossed for a very shiny, bright future!”

Meanwhile, nearly all of the other reindeer* — Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Cupid, Comet, Blitzen and Vixen — were seen at the Social Security office applying for disability benefits. “It’s been tough for us to look for a job because of our age-related disabilities,” said Dasher, spokesreindeer for the group, without much glee. “Having an employer with DEI values makes such a huge difference. Santa provided us accommodations like 364-day-long rest breaks so we were able to do our job these past 1,500 years with our disabilities. But so far, no other employer is willing to give us the same special considerations, even though we are 100% capable of doing the job!”

*Unfortunately, Donner did not take the news well and was last seen drinking too many Cladonia rangiferina cocktails at the bar; he was too intoxicated to comment.

As the reindeer embarked on their post-sleigh lives, somewhere in Australia Santa had exceeded the speed limit and crashed into a chimney. “Bah humbug! The lights are out!” grumbled Santa. “The wheels are busted too, and insurance said they’re not going to cover them!”

Grabbing his magic smartphone, Santa called his good ol’ trusted guide. “Hey, Rudolph. I need help delivering the rest of the presents before midnight,” said Santa, with not much ho-ho-ho. “Won’t you guide my sleigh, uh, I mean, my wheelchair tonight?”

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