BOSTON — Nathaniel Patterson is the first-ever paraplegic police officer in Boston, and his colleagues have been surprised to find that he does nothing remotely helpful — and does it just as well as any of them.
“Honestly, I thought he was a diversity hire,” said Patterson’s partner. “Then on the first morning, I saw him take down a report of a stolen TV, put it in a filing cabinet, and completely forget about it by lunch. I was like, ‘Wow! He really can do this job!’”
“No matter what people said, I always knew I could be an officer,” said Patterson, “because cops only clear like 20% of cases, which feels pretty, you know, accessible.”
Critics of the police also praise Patterson’s utter pointlessness. One neighborhood mental health clinician said, “My patients aren’t scared of him sitting on the corner in his wheelchair, so he doesn’t get the chance to misread their fear as probable cause.”
Capt. James O’Leary, Patterson’s district commander, however, assured reporters that Patterson still finds ways to make life in the neighborhood scarier. “As long as he’s scowling through the window of his adapted, hand-controlled cruiser,” explained O’Leary, “Black and Hispanic residents don’t know he can’t physically terrorize them.”
“One day, the people around here will figure him out,” conceded O’Leary with a chuckle. “But hey, he’s already got the chair for desk duty.”