Long Island, N.Y. — This summer, a quick-thinking teen with cerebral palsy has found a creative way to channel his entrepreneurial spirit … and help other disabled youth along the way. During his two-week stay at Camp Happyheart for kids with physical disabilities, Tim Robins, 16, decided to cash in on a hallowed camp tradition: the camp bowel movement chart. The infamous document, found on the bathroom wall beside a terrifying poster of a tick bite, gets a checkmark from a counselor each time a camper takes a dump.
“The chart,” as it is colloquially known, displays a camper’s success — or lack thereof — for all to see. Those with bashful bowels face the looming threat of Colace, among other intestinal explosives, delivered by the camp’s squad of watchful nurses. Robins, an aspiring businessman, saw a lucrative opportunity in his friends’ epic struggle.
“For $10 each, I forge a counterfeit checkmark on the chart and sneak away before the counselors notice,” Robins said.
He added that, so far, his antics have fooled the nurses, who believe individually bagged grapes have kept everyone stunningly “regular” this year.
A satisfied customer, who spoke on condition of anonymity, applauded his bunkmate for fulfilling unmet needs.
“I mean, with all the grilled cheese and pizza camp serves, plus most of us being non-ambulatory, this initiative is essential,” said the teen. “As one of the only walking campers and one of very few with legible handwriting, Tim was basically born for this. I mean, Christ, he can hold the Sharpie, and his checkmarks look just like the ones our counselors draw!”
Another bunkmate, Chris Rodgers, gladly spent a school year’s worth of his allowance to avoid the dreaded Colace. A shuddering Rodgers remarked, “That stuff is like over-the-counter dynamite. After it detonates, you’ll be so much lighter you’ll float away like the house in the movie ‘Up.’”
Rodgers’ best friend, Peter Wright, who used hidden cash to buy an illicit checkmark, said popular constipation remedies like Smooth Move Tea are anything but smooth. Added Wright, “The person on the commercials is always jauntily kayaking in a flowy skirt after taking a dose. But when I drank that stuff in the summer of 2019, my life flashed before my eyes. I knew it was time to start bringing an advance directive, and some extra underwear, to camp.”
Robins, who adores the nurses, admits feeling slightly guilty about his shady dealings but ultimately sees a benefit for the camp’s bottom line. “I’m saving the camp hundreds of dollars that would otherwise be spent on laxatives and enemas,” he boasted. “In this trainwreck economy, they should be grateful.”
However, he remains concerned that his scheme will be discovered. “It’s all fun and games till someone with multiple checkmarks on the chart needs to be disimpacted,” he mused. “Then, the jig is up.”