Sorry! The Antidote You Need to Lift the Evil Witch’s Curse Is Not Covered by Your Current Insurance Plan

Dear claimant,

We are writing to inform you of the outcome of our investigation regarding your health insurance claim (Policy #666666666) and the subject line “Eternal Restlessness Curse.”

After careful review and assessment of the information you provided, we regret to inform you that your claim has been denied.

The following are key reasons for the denial of your claim:

1. Misrepresentation: Upon careful examination of the information you provided, your claim stating “Please, please help me. I need the curse lifted immediately. As soon as you can. She’s cursed me and I can’t go to sleep anymore. Just endless days and nights. It has been weeks and you still haven’t approved the antidote and I need it right away” represents a gross misapplication of facts. Examination of your statement reveals that if the curse constituted a present and immediate danger, you would not have been able to provide us any information, as it would have resulted in your death.

2. Accident-Only Coverage: Your claim is subject to specific exclusions. According to our records, you are currently enrolled in our CleanHands+ coverage, which exclusively covers physical injuries sustained as a result of accidents in which the policyholder is not at fault. Upon review of the information you provided, we have determined that the statement I am so sorry. This is my fault. This is all my (expletive) fault. I should have listened. Please, somebody help. I need to sleep. I will do anything to (expletive) sleep again” confirms your complicit guilt in the incident, which invalidates your coverage under the current policy.

3. Policy Lapse: Our records indicate that your policy (#666666666) expired on October 30th due to nonpayment of premiums. As a result, the policy was terminated before the incident, which took place on October 31st. Any claims filed for events after October 30th are not covered.

If you have questions or require further clarification, please do not try to contact us. We do not want to talk to you, as we have a strict “no curses” policy due to the expensive nature of said claims. Our team is technically available to address any concerns or inquiries you may have, but they will only respond if and when they feel like it, as long as our aforementioned “no curses” policy is in effect.

Thank you for choosing us, and we hope that you continue to trust us with your insurance needs.

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