WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to the RFK Jr. Real Science Institute, a new study has proven beyond all scientific doubt that spasms are a great excuse to punch people in the face.
Disabled people may suffer from spasms for a variety of reasons, but there is one thing they all have in common: too many douchebags in their lives. The study found disabled people have to deal with 362% more asswipes than nondisabled people. This can be stressful and induce both anxiety and depression in disabled people.
However, if a disabled person suffers from spasms, they have a great excuse to at least try to punch those people right in the kisser. Even if what lands is nothing more than a gentle brush, it feels damn good.
According to lead researcher Tony Freeman, “If the person isn’t spasming at that exact moment, it’s still OK for them to go ahead and bop someone in the nose. That person deserves it, and what are they going to do, cry?”
The study also found that 37% of the punch recipients “didn’t do that dickhead thing again, mostly because they were too busy sulking about how unfair their lives were.”
Disability rights groups welcome the new study. One spokesperson said, “People need to learn to treat disabled people properly somehow, and if it takes a well-timed sucker punch then so be it. Even better if the spasming person can manage a headbutt.”
Freeman adds, “We are thrilled that the RFK Jr. Real Science Institute allowed us to research a topic involving disabled people. The trick was using the ultra-manly word ‘punch’ in the research application and crossing our fingers that they didn’t connect spasms with disability. It’s a tactic we plan to use going forward.”