Have you ever gotten trapped in the Groundhog Day curse of hearing people trying to talk to you? Fear not! This how-to guide will get you out of just about any conversation!
- Memorize key phrases like “yes,” “no,” “I don’t know,” and “maybe.” Also memorize: “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!”
- Say, “Sorry, I’m blind.” They will be both apologetic and confused.
- Launch the lipreading accusation. Tell them you lipread with 100% accuracy and cannot believe they just said “that word.” No matter how they respond, yell, “Oh my God, stop saying it!”
- Claim they’re your long-lost sibling. Clutch their face and say they look just like they do in the photos. Start crying.
- Propose marriage to them. Make it very awkward when they tell you no. Burst into tears and run away.
- Ask if they’re “one of them.” Don’t elaborate. Peer into their soul, confuse the hell out of them, and scurry away.
- Fart.
- Steal their nose. Just start miming and steal their nose. They’ll be too baffled and alarmed to pursue you.
- Perform “Cell Block Tango.” Maintain eye contact. If they join in, they’re an accomplice.
- Smoke Bombs: This one requires a bigger purse, but it works wonders when you really need to just disappear into thin air.