According to a recent study, multiple sclerosis (MS) drugs and profits are off the charts, besties. Once margins escape the meager million-dollar range and blast off into the billions, the medicine is miraculously activated.
Dr. Ellie Homes has done extensive research on the matter. “Because women are four times more likely to have MS than men, we examined the medications under a variety of conditions: when shareholders were enjoying megayachts, superyachts, and even medium-sized luxury yachts. We were stumped because there weren’t differences in the drug’s efficacy based on these variables. That’s when we realized it was owning versus chartering that mattered, and it clicked. Profits need to be higher, or people are going to suffer.”
Mortimer Kensington III, a shareholder in MS drug companies, described why he invests. “I could be gentrifying a neighborhood or building my own space station, and I am doing those things. But really, I’m a philanthropist at heart, so I prefer to earn passive income off of lady medications.”
Homes further explained her research. “Think of an MS drug like a meticulously handcrafted lock. The key to freeing its potency is a bottle of 1945 Château Mouton Rothschild and a submarine ride to a private island for a weekend of mischief. Without any one of these seemingly frivolous lifestyle choices, the medicine would not work. It’s a very delicate process.”
Keston Boothroyd, an MS activist, disagreed. “Over the past decade, drug profiteers have increased the prices of medications more than 200%. Many cost $100,000 a year or more. The U.S. government will surely file this slam-dunk antitrust lawsuit soon.”
But Kensington was not convinced. “A lot of people are dependent on MS medications, but not so many that society cares about what we’re doing.”
When asked to explain how MS medicines are effective outside of the U.S. where profit margins are lower, J.D. Chaunce, another investor, responded, “Sure, I’m not a ‘scientist’ with a ‘relevant education’ or an ‘understanding of the disease.’ I’m just a simple venture capitalist with a dream, looking at you, a sick woman in poverty, as I manipulate drug prices so myself and other millionaires can quadruple our wealth. Complimentary ketamine lozenge?”