SOMERVILLE, Mass. — In recent years, whenever 31-year-old Maya Khan met someone new, she most likely mentioned that she was a “Novid,” someone who never had COVID, at least three times in the first 20 minutes. Those that hadn’t met her could gather this information from her LinkedIn where she listed herself as the CNO (Chief Novid Officer) of her one-bedroom apartment. (It’s still unclear how she affords it.)
However, her self-reported status recently came into question after an anonymous source — who insisted on being referenced as “an acquaintance” and not as “Khan’s twin sister” — reported observing Khan’s dubious swabbing technique for a required COVID test prior to a wedding reception.
According to the source, Khan first sniffed the liquid in the test tube to check that it was not the promised mocktail of the evening (the one with the cringeworthy pun of the wedding couple’s last names). Next, she was observed swabbing the same nostril twice with the wrong side of the swab. Finally, she stirred the swab in the tube — this time using the correct side — while counting, “ten, nine, eight, something, something something,” before abruptly shouting “Uno!” and declaring herself the winner of a game no one else was playing.
When The Squeaky Wheel reached out to Khan for comment, she seemed less confident in her Novid claims. “It’s not my fault the instructions keep changing! It’s, like, different every time,” she insisted.
We confirmed that the testing kit’s instructions have not been modified since 2020.
“Well, maybe I did get COVID that one time I went to a rave without a mask and got hella sick after… or on that 13-hour flight where the lady next to me kept coughing and sneezing in my face,” she recalled with hesitation. “Gosh, can’t people just test themselves?!”
The Squeaky Wheel will continue to monitor Khan’s LinkedIn for imminent changes.