Aging Liam Neeson Seeks Vengeance After Being Denied SSI Benefits

LOS ANGELES — After injuring his back on the set of “Taken 4,” Liam Neeson announced he was taking a hiatus from acting to focus on healing. The aging movie star had mounting medical bills and applied for SSI, but his efforts were unsuccessful. The representative who spoke with him said he would need to be fully bedridden and borderline non-ambulatory in order to receive the $750 a month allotted to SSI recipients.

Neeson did not respond well to the denial.

“Listen, motherf**ker. I don’t need a lousy bureaucrat like you to dictate my life. I’ll storm your office if I have to!”

Todd Ferrell, the SSI employee Neeson was speaking to on the phone, said these were his exact words. “He then went on about how he had a very specific set of skills that he would use to intimidate my superiors. I tried to tell him it was my first day,” Ferrell said.

After the phone conversation ended, a fired up Neeson became even more aggravated when he researched stories of SSI injustice online. Once he learned that government organizations like this regularly strip disabled people of the medical benefits they are entitled to, he prepared himself for war.

“They’re about to meet my wrath,” Neeson told reporters. “Bureaucrats, insurance companies, politicians who are more concerned with saving a buck than helping people live their lives — they’re all targets.”

Though Neeson did not elaborate on the specifics of his vigilante campaign, he recently rallied a group of disabled veterans and activists to storm SSI offices.

He also sent a text message to Ferrell that read, “AND TODD, WE’RE COMING FOR YOU NEXT.” When asked how Neeson acquired his personal phone number, Ferrell said he had no idea.

As Neeson’s escapades continue and authorities are too terrified to oppose him, movie studios everywhere are eager to option the rights to this story. As of Monday morning, Neeson was in talks to develop a film titled “The Senior” with a director who just graduated from UCLA.

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