Millennials are one of the most underpaid, overworked generations in history, a situation made even worse if you’re disabled. But there’s hope on the horizon! Hundreds of disabled millennials have made their own opportunities by taking to the high seas in a new-age pirate fleet.
“Piracy has always been so welcoming to disabled workers,” said Marina Lamb, Rear Admiral of the fleet. “The eye patches are now a fashion statement, the peg legs are all titanium and the sea shanties are far less problematic. But we’re embracing that inclusive spirit.” Despite the inclusive work environment, the daily grind of piracy remains unchanged. “We mostly raid COVID-infested cruise liners and billionaires’ yachts. British fishing vessels too, although the only thing you can really plunder from them is a sense of post-imperial ennui.”
But Lamb hasn’t just made the applications process less discriminatory, she also runs a fleet with far better working conditions. “It’s not about what I can’t do anymore, it’s about what I can do,” one disabled able seaman told us. “In my last job, they’d constantly question my ability to swing a cutlass or fire a cannon. Not here. Applebee’s just didn’t value those skills.”
Lamb prides herself on tailoring every job role to each individual crew member. “Our deaf crew have no complaints operating the cannons, and our soldiering amputees are just glad they have fewer limbs to lose. All of our officers are wheelchair users, which is great. Leadership roles require a lot of sitting on your arse.”
The pay is good too, as one midshipman told us. “We get an equal share in any plundered booty. When I was waiting tables, my boss didn’t even let us keep our tips! It’s a bit inconvenient having to bury our earnings only to track them back down months later with a labyrinthine treasure map. Still, it’s easier than getting support from SSDI.”
But not everyone is championing the marauding pirate fleet as a win for disabled rights. A crowd gathered in Trafalgar Square this week to protest Lamb’s extralegal enterprise. “It looks proper fun and I am fuming!” one protester told us. “Seamanship is for hard-working patriotic types, like … like Lord Nelson!” he said, pointing up at the admiral’s statue. It was only after we pointed out the statue’s blind eye and missing arm that he responded with a quiet “Oh. Oh no.”