Angel Accessibility Committee Finds Stairway to Heaven Violates ADA and Installs New Elevator

HEAVEN — Hoping to make their home more inclusive for souls who enter, a group of angels set out to replace the longstanding Stairway to Heaven with a fully refurbished elevator. Angels Jedediah and Ruth are the founders of the Angel Accessibility Committee, which was created to ensure that Heaven complied with ADA standards.   

“We realized how far behind we were as soon as we formed this committee,” Jedediah told reporters via an eagle messenger. “We had countless residents complain about transportation issues they experienced getting from one part of paradise to another. Wheelchair users and blind residents especially had difficulty getting across the ocean. Even up here, we still don’t have airplanes that accommodate wheelchairs. Thankfully, our committee is working to address this issue with afterlife lawmakers.”

Jedediah said the biggest accessibility problem was that so many disabled residents had trouble just getting to the pearly gates in the first place. He and Ruth knew they had to do something about the infamous stairway.

Established in 3,500,000,000 B.C.E., the Stairway to Heaven was created with the knowledge that it would eventually become the subject of an iconic Led Zeppelin song of the same name. However, accessibility wasn’t a priority in those days for the architects who built it. 

Today, with a progressive leadership team and more resources, the various angel subcommittees are working together to create a more inclusive atmosphere. Replacing the outdated stairway with a functional elevator marked the first step in this process.

“It’s really encouraging to see more people who I used to know in my previous life get here without any issues,” said Shilpa Patel, a Heavenly resident who used to be an accessibility coordinator on Earth.       

Jedediah said the accessibility committee has many other plans to make Heaven more welcoming to disabled residents.

“Assuming there’s room in the budget and we get approval, we want to provide every wheelchair user with a jetpack so they can easily fly through the clouds at their leisure,” he said. “Cloud-hopping is one of our favorite activities here, and we don’t want anyone to be left out of participating.”

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