Finally! New Mastercard Touch Card Allows Blind People to Hide Extravagant Purchases from Their Spouses

Mastercard has heard the incessant nagging of spouses everywhere and feels the pain of their blind partners. In its commitment to inclusivity, and to allow blind people to buy whatever the heck they want without having to hear about it for days on end, Mastercard has introduced the Touch Card. Unique notches on the card’s short side allow blind people to distinguish between credit, debit and prepaid cards.

With Touch Card’s new tactile solution, blind consumers can identify payment cards without asking their significant others if they are using the correct card, which means their spouses don’t have to know what they’re buying.

“Globally, 2.2 billion [people] have visual impairments. Just imagine all the nagging we’re saving blind people,” said Ted Simpson, Mastercard’s chief marketing and communications officer, who is not blind but could possibly be a victim of nagging. “The Touch Card provides blind people a greater sense of independence and averts hours of nonstop spousal interrogation of why they bought a Louis Vuitton bag or a Valve Index VR Full Kit. They can now simply buy and hide their purchases.”

Blind shoppers are looking forward to the launch. “This is what I’ve been waiting for!” said Lucas Carpenter, who is legally blind. “Since credit cards changed to flat designs without embossed names and numbers, I’ve had to ask my wife which card is which. Then she fires off a million questions about what and why I am buying, and we end up arguing. It’s awful!” Carpenter clarified he doesn’t mean the arguments are awful, but that he never gets to buy anything fun and mindless.

Tina Schumacher is also ecstatic. “Hubby is building me a she-shed,” said Schumacher, who has retinitis pigmentosa. “I told him I needed a workspace, but it’s actually to hide all the things I plan to buy with the Touch Card!”

For now, the blind community will have to hold off their extravagant purchases a little longer, as Mastercard won’t introduce Touch Cards until next year.

“Mastercard’s commitment is to be an agent of change, eventually. Like, by next year. If your spouse is going to nag you for buying that expensive dress, we’re here to change that,” said Simpson. “You’re blind, you deserve that dress! Use Touch Card as an accessibility tool, buy fancy things without help from your spouse — or their knowing. Everyone’s happy! We anticipate the Touch Card saving countless marriages. We support you, blind community.”

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