“If lady so gorgeous, how possible be sick?” begins a new report by top Harvard doctors in their latest study on women’s health.
Spokesman Dr Matthew Cisman spoke to the Squeaky Wheel: “Women’s health is so understudied — it’s really a huge flaw in the research industrial complex that is dominated by men. So it’s just lucky that our study found doctors have been doing the right thing by ignoring women’s symptoms. Honestly, despite their desperate pleas to be believed, our research shows it’s more likely that women have it all together if they are wearing makeup.”
In one case study, Patient XX visited the doctor during a lunch break from work. She says she experienced chronic pain, anxiety and depression. But because she was hot (like with a flawless smoky eye and nice clothes) the treating physician awarded her a clean bill of health and his personal cell number.
A control male, known as Patient XY, presented with the same symptoms, but there was just something about him that made him more believable. “Men just know their bodies,” concluded Dr Cisman.
In contrast, 90% of legitimately sick women are considered to be “dishevelled” by medical professionals. The other 10% are naturally resistant to makeup’s healing powers, lacking skill in enhancing assets and hiding flaws.
“It’s impossible for disabled and ill women to have style. That’s just a hysterical idea,” Dr Cisman said.
The study did not account for gender diversity, with trans and nonbinary patients excluded for being “confusing.” As for men presenting to doctors wearing makeup, one clinical note summed it up — “Yikes!”