US Rep. Madison Cawthorn, the young, disabled Republican congressperson for North Carolina’s 11th district, recently claimed on a podcast that he has received invitations from his congressional peers to do cocaine and attend exclusive sex parties with them. In an era of division and hatred, it’s a story that warms our hearts and shows just how far inclusivity has come.
“At first I didn’t want to invite him, because he was … different than us. But then my mom told me if I wanted to host an orgy at our house, I have to invite all the congressmen, even the disabled ones,” said an anonymous Texas senator. “So nobody feels left out.”
The bearded Texas man wasn’t the only one to express hesitancy. Another Republican senator claimed he was reluctant to deliver Cawthorn’s invitation because “we planned this orgy really well, and if the head count changed that means two of us have to share a stripper. It’s simple math.”
Despite our requests for him not to, he elaborated. “And nobody wants to share a stripper — that’s gay.”
Still, it seemed that once the congressmen got to know him, Cawthorn wasn’t actually that different after all. “Turns out he likes to snort lines off a fat juicy booty just like I do. Plus he has some really cool German memorabilia that he showed us at the party. I guess he’s just one of the guys!” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Word spread quickly throughout the GOP, and soon all the congressmen were lining up to invite Cawthorn to snort substances and do weird sex stuff at their homes.
By the end of the week, the charismatic Texas senator, who had just returned from Costa Rica, had a true change of heart. “I don’t even see the wheelchair anymore. I just see a gun-loving patriot tryna f*ck a bunch of people at once. And there ain’t nothing more American than that!”