Michael Wilson, a recent high school graduate, has become the first alumni in his district in 10 years to achieve perfect attendance throughout the entirety of his K-12 education. The dedication he’s had through 13 years of primary and secondary education is certainly impressive, especially given how much he was willing to just fucking destroy his mental well-being in the process!
“What do I get for this, a plaque? That’s cool, I guess,” Wilson remarked. “I mean, sure, I barely remember any of what I learned, and I stretched my nervous system to the point of abject exhaustion, and I probably risked getting my classmates sick many times, but I have this plaque! Good for me!”
Having internalized the logic that taking a day off from school is a moral failing, Wilson chugged along for 13 straight years, never once even considering skipping a day. He extended himself far beyond any reasonable effort to achieve exemplary grades, which he only recently realized mean very little to his job or networking prospects.
Wilson’s parents made sure to instill in him sheer terror at the very suggestion of missing a day of school or a single homework assignment, or receiving anything less than an A on his report card.
“Michael knew he would regret it if he slipped up, so we’re very proud he never did!” said Wilson’s mother, who made it clear that anything less than perfect attendance and stellar academic achievement would result in her stripping him of all entertainment, stimulation and social contact.
“Turns out, I didn’t have much time for fun or friends anyway,” said a dejected Wilson on the verge of tears.
After receiving his award, Wilson was seen Googling treatments for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.