In the United States, the only Americans with Disabilities Act-recognized service animals are dogs and miniature horses. The Squeaky Wheel trotted with Max, a local miniature horse, to discuss his experience as a service animal.
SQUEAKY WHEEL: Thank you, Max, for taking the time to meet with us.
MAX: Of course; Thank you for giving me this platform.
SW: And congratulations on your twenty year anniversary with your handler.
MAX: Thank you, yes. Twenty years is a long time – a [redacted] dog could never.
SW: A dog could never what?
MAX: Never mind…
SW: Alright. Now tell me. What are your hopes and dreams for –
MAX: I just have to say: THOUSANDS of hours go into training a service animal. With a dog, you might get eight years before they retire. Me? Thirty-five. Forty. That’s multiple presidents. The ROI [return on investment] is extraordinary.
SW: Well… we don’t need to compare. Both dogs and horses –
MAX: No, no! We do need to compare. People on the internet are all like ‘service dogs are a gift to this Earth… service dogs are the best.’ And whenever clips of Sarah and I go viral all the comments are like: ‘What nonsense! This service animal stuff has gotten out of hand – blah blah blah…’ It’s ridiculous. I’m a professional – NEIGH!!
Besides – I’m MINI. We all know that anything mini is adorable: mini furniture, mini erasers, mini sriracha…
SW: Some folks think that service miniature horses are –
MAX: Impractical? Dirty? Gonna [redacted] all over the plane? Please!
SW: I was going to say charming…
MAX: I’m more than charming: I’m everything a dog is and more! I can pull seven wheelchair users up a ramp – at once.
SW: Sure, but again, we’re not here to pit one against the other. I want to hear about your experience.
MAX: Fine. I get it. I’m the loser. I’m the sad little horse in the corner.
SW: No, Max. That’s not true. I just mean you shouldn’t compare yourself – It’s impossible to compare the beauty of a rose with that of a sunset, right? Service dogs may be way more socially acceptable, but that doesn’t make you any less important or valued.
MAX: Wow – I get it now. I’m not ‘socially acceptable’. Thanks Squeaky Wheel…