New SSI Application Shreds Itself Upon Completion

In the interest of more efficiently rejecting all new applications, the Social Security Administration (SSA) announced a new self-shredding SSI application aimed at making the process of denying benefits to disabled citizens a little faster. 

First-time SSI applicants are denied roughly 62% of the time, and the approval process is notoriously slow for new applicants, often requiring a lengthy appeal.

“Right now most people who apply for SSI benefits get denied the first time. And while 62% may sound like a lot, we think we can do better. Why not make it 100%?” said SSA spokesperson Charles Hapley, who noted that the form would also save his office hours of shredding time. “And those hours are money,” he added.

After wiping the greedy grin off his face, he elaborated. “That’s ultimately what American citizens want — to save the government some much needed time to do other important things, like lobbying to keep SSI recipients well below the poverty line.” He also noted that the average monthly payment for those who do get approved is around $700, as of earlier this year.

When asked her thoughts about the new application technology, SSI applicant Colleen Poppy replied, “Sorry, what was the question? I’m still trying to figure out how I’ll live on $700.”

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