Tensions have been high across the country since the announcement that the U.S. Supreme Court has overturned Roe v. Wade, with pro-choice and pro-life groups each gathering to protest and celebrate, respectively. The reversal of one of the nation’s most well-known rulings seems to be raising the temperature inside the court, too, with some sources suggesting that relationships between the individual justices have been souring for some time.
Justices Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh were spotted fervently whispering to each other just hours after the ruling was announced. While parts of the conversation were not intelligible, our sources on the scene tell us that the phrases, “Wait, we said you NEVER can?” and “Even the messed up ones? You’ve got to be kidding me,” were clearly heard.
When pressed afterward, Justice Gorsuch claimed he had no comment; however, one disabled reporter on our staff managed to capture a few more words. “How did we forget about that?” they recall him saying to himself once the able-bodied reporters had left and he assumed he was alone. “I specifically said, ‘The normal babies. We want normal babies. Keep aborting the weird ones.'” Then he finally looked down, saw the reporter in their wheelchair, and asked if they were here for a “Make-A-Wish kinda deal.”
Additional comments were leaked from a closed-door meeting between the court’s conservative members, where Justice Kavanaugh had mistakenly left himself on speaker phone while his phone was hiding behind his “FBI: Female Body Inspector” novelty beer cozy.
“Oh my god, this is so embarrassing,” Justice Thomas can be heard saying. “Like, it’s just so awkward.”
“Is it too late to change it?” Justice Amy Coney Barrett replies. “I mean, just tell everyone we had a little brain fart. An ‘oopsie baby,’ so to speak.”
The recording quality degrades quickly after the thirty-second mark when, according to our audio analysts, Justice Kavanaugh shotguns a Natty Light over the mic. The last intelligible comments appear to be Justice Samuel Alito speculating on whether some kind of bipartisan agreement can be reached to continue to allow the abortion of fetuses who would be born disabled: “I think we agree that we all want fewer disabled people to exist in this country.”
Justice Coney Barrett added, “It’s an honest mistake. We should be allowed to correct the disabled part. We got a little excited, one thing led to another and we just overturned the whole shebang without thinking it through. Nobody should have to live with lifelong consequences because of one little mistake.”