Jonathan Meyers, procrastinator extraordinaire, was screwed. He forgot yet again to order the cute red sweater his girlfriend had incessantly nagged him about. And just three days shy of Valentine’s Day, that goddamn viral item was out of stock for another six months, leaving him with the looming threat of relationship doom.
“Fuuuuuck!!!” Meyers screamed in his head as he desperately clicked on a different random red sweater he thought would be a suitable replacement.
Come Valentine’s Day, Allison Jensen couldn’t contain her excitement as she tore into the box.
“What the heck is this?” she blurted out, lifting the garish monstrosity. “Is this a joke? This isn’t the one I had specifically described and told you to get me. This is maroon, not red, and definitely not cute. And what the heck are these frills, large pom-poms and glittery hearts on the front?!”
Meyers, beads of sweat forming on his forehead, tensed up. He sensed her anger rising exponentially.
“Oh,” said Meyers as he weighed being honest about his usual tardiness, which would mean no nookie for weeks, versus stretching the truth, which would mean he’d still get some. Then a light bulb went off in his head. Today was one of those days being legally blind would save his sorry ass!
“What?!” he said, feigning outrage. “Are you fucking kidding me? The screen reader read the alt text as ‘Image of red fabric with some beautiful textures, looks cute. Perfect for a fashionista.’ When I heard that, I figured this was the exact sweater you asked for. It’s not?”
Jensen, realizing Meyers was not to be blamed for the mishap, softened. “Oh, it’s not your fault!” she said, feeling awful. She then smothered him with apologetic kisses and hugs. “Forgive me for even thinking that. I thought as usual you had forgotten to buy it and this was all you could find!”
And just like that, Meyers had successfully averted disaster and narrowly saved himself from the doghouse.
“Wow, I sure learned my lesson today,” he thought. “Never again! Never again will I look at my disability as a disadvantage. And let it be a lesson to all that this proves alt text is a necessity for the blind — it sure was necessary to save my tardy ass!” he chuckled.