Election Results: Over 400 Ableds Elected to Congress

WASHINGTON — The 2022 election results are in. People without disabilities are monopolizing power in Congress, to mixed reactions.  

Bryant Venn, director of facilities at the Capitol Building, said, “It’s lucky we had a lot of ableds last election too, so we were already prepared for them this time. We have tiny bathroom stalls, shallow desks — everything people who are not special might need. Honestly, it’s like this place was made for them.”  

But Tanya Yoseph, a social studies teacher, was worried. She said, “Congress either doesn’t understand what a representative democracy is or what common decency is. I mean, who in polite society would hog something like that?!” 

The disabled make up 25% of the U.S. population but less than 1% of Congress.  

Unfazed by these statistics, the incoming and returning legislators celebrated their victories by flying in comfort to their D.C. offices, where they had a “Me Before You” watch party with a bunch of MeatZZa pizzas from Domino’s. Yes, the same Domino’s that, after a years-long battle, was forced by the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals to make its website accessible.   

When Rayna Palm, a disabled activist, learned of the festivities, she commented, “I’m not inherently against ableds in Congress, but they have limited experience navigating the government, are unaware of pressing issues and seem incapable of passing legislation, which are all essential functions of the job. Now if apathy were a disability, we’d be closer to 100% representation.”  

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