Sia Announces She Is ‘Low-Functioning Artistic’

Sia, musical performer and alleged filmmaker, has announced that she considers herself to be a “low-functioning artistic” in a recent interview. This doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone who was unfortunate enough to see her directorial debut “Music,” as it was nominated for three well-deserved Razzies.

“I just don’t understand the backlash,” said Sia. “I tried making a story about someone lesser than me and everybody got upset. People thought it was worse than the 2019 version of ‘Cats.’ I even told my fans to tell other autistic people they were wrong, and somehow I’m still the bad person?” 

While “Music” joins the ranks of other terrible films like “The Room” and “Birdemic,” Sia’s film doesn’t have the same endearing charm that most bad films have. She had promised to place a warning at the start of the film for the triggering restraint scenes, yet they remain with no warning. There’s also uncomfortable humor involving violence toward disabled people, Maddie Ziegler’s inauthentic casting as an autistic character, the inexplicable blackface in the opening number and so much more that we don’t have the space to unpack.

“As a low-functioning artistic, it means that nobody is allowed to be mean to me about the offensive work that I make, even if it is terrible, because that means you’re making fun of people with disabilities, and that’s a no-no,” Sia whined. She then went on to furiously spout other harmful stereotypes that we won’t print here.

Film scholar George Morgan ignored Sia’s tantrum. “This actually makes ‘Music’ worse in retrospect. By continuing to use outdated language while simultaneously saying she did extensive research, it means that something isn’t sticking. You either listen to the community and actually walk the walk, or you can keep quiet and not claim to speak for them. Alas, neither has happened.”

We tried to reach Sia for a comment on future projects but had the door slammed in our face, complete with a KEEP OUT sign like you might see on a teenager’s bedroom.

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