Disabled People Lend Pee-Holding Expertise to Attendees of Times Square New Year’s Eve Ball Drop

“My record is 20 hours, six minutes and five seconds!” says Adam Lee, Guinness World Record holder for holding in pee the longest. “I started training for this amazing feat by accident. I was on a long flight with wheelchair inaccessible lavatories and couldn’t go. Upon disembarking I rushed to the restroom but some sh**ty able-bodied guy pushed past me and beat me to the disabled stall to do a number two, so I had to find another restroom at the airport. The minutes and hours just added up and I thought, why pee if I can hold it?”

With his superior pee-holding skills, Lee imparts invaluable advice for more than a million revelers attending the New Year’s Eve Times Square ball drop: how they can hold their pee with the nonexistence of bathrooms in the area.

“Start dehydrating yourself the day before,” says Lee. “If you accidentally drink any liquids, immediately spit it out. Saliva is a liquid — try not swallowing that either. The fewer fluids the better. Dehydrate, dehydrate, dehydrate!” Lee also recommends thinking of dry things like the desert or a sponge. “Tell yourself peeing is for losers,” he adds. “And you, my friend, are a winner. That motivational talk always gets me through the final hour.”

Coming close to breaking Lee’s pee-holding record is Samantha Harrison, who clocked in at 20 hours and five minutes. A paraplegic, Harrison depends on Depend for wetting accidents. “Yeah, at 20 hours, five minutes and one second, I felt a warm sensation and couldn’t hold it any further,” she says. “To all those at Times Square avoiding the floodgates, wear diapers before you leave home. Also, pro tip: My wheelchair hides my lumpy diaper ass, but if you don’t have that advantage, wear baggy pants.”

A first-timer at the iconic celebration, Allison Farley, who has been waiting since early morning, says she was unaware of the bathroom situation. “No access to bathrooms or porta-potties? That means no peeing for several hours!” she screams with outrage, receiving absolutely no sympathy from the disabled community. “Who does that? It’s dehumanizing, and a violation of a person’s right to relieve themselves whenever they want to. No one should be subject to such an uncomfortable situation!”

As the 11,000-pound majestic ball begins its descent at 11:59 p.m., revelers aren’t sure if they are counting down to the new year or that sweet bliss of being able to urinate soon. In the meantime, Lee, Harrison and the rest of the disabled community are staying in the comfort and warmth of their homes, watching the spectacular celebration on their televisions, with easy access to the restroom.

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