Santa Forced to Resign After Admitting Inability to Grant Little Girl’s Wish for Working Door Buttons

TORONTO — Kris Kringle has Dasher-ed his way out the door after admitting his Christmas magic is not as extensive as the public has been led to believe.

The incident occurred at 11:15 a.m. on Sunday in the Magical Happy Non-Specific Holiday Village, more commonly known as the food court.

The jolly elves acting as Santa’s bouncers report that when it was seven-year-old Olivia Wallace’s turn to be lifted from her wheelchair and placed on his lap, she very sweetly told him that she didn’t want a single thing for Christmas, “except for every single accessible door opener in the whole wide world to work!”

Santa reportedly froze like a reindeer caught in the headlights for several minutes before offering some other things he thought might be more realistic, including a rainbow-coloured puppy that never ages, a herd of unicorns that poop ice cream, and world peace.

Onlookers state that these negotiations did not go over well with little Olivia, who shed tears so sad that Santa’s jingle bells shrunk three sizes that day in shame. “I admit it! I’m a fraud!” Santa was overheard saying. “All I can do is make reindeer fly, and eat forty times my weight in cookies in a single night. You should find someone else … I hear that Krampus guy is pretty good at his job …”

As he wallowed away in despair, he headed out the mall doors, which he tried to open by smacking the accessible button three times before just giving up and pushing.

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